By: Lisa Paris

Cleverly disguised beneath a pair of oversized glasses and Michael Stars scarf, the Figgie Bandit lurks suburban streets with one thing on her mind, and it isn't how you can save more money on your auto insurance...

Hide your fig trees folks! The fruit-loving hoodlum recently discovered that figs can be found in places other than Whole Foods and has hit the trees with a vengeance. Pillaging fig trees like a pirate at a peg-leg sample sale, the Figgie Bandit has been spotted stuffing her reusable bag full of the forbidden fruit.

Proclaiming to be an eco-friendly swindler, the Figgie B utilizes the organic process of "plucking and running", which is chemical free and environmentally sound. She also claims to be saving "mad amounts of paper" through her practice, in which she promises to donate to homeless Nicaraguan orphans and legless puppies alike.

What you can do to protect your fig trees from the Figgie B:

1. Build a moat around your fig tree; the Figgie Bandit is a weak swimmer.
2. Open a Vienna Sausage Stand up beneath the tree; the smell will ward her off.
3. Utilize the tree as practice space for your local neighborhood boy band; the music will deter her.

Protect yo Fig.